Many couples these days are struggling more than ever with arguments and disagreements. Because of the added stressors of the Covid-19 pandemic, lockdowns and social isolation that keep you and your partner stuck inside with each other, and the financial and overall stress of the impending holidays, now can be a very difficult time to maintain the peace in your relationship. If you are struggling with this, know that you are not alone.

Many people struggle to navigate arguments and stop them when they arise. If you are finding yourself stuck in continuous arguments with your partner, try these four strategies to see if you can interrupt the argument cycle you are stuck in.

Check ins

When stress levels are high, it can be helpful to schedule time for regular check ins in your relationship so you know where each of you is at in terms of your stress and overwhelm. Think about this as a preemptive solution to arguments. If you know your partner is at a very high stress level, they are probably more likely to get defensive, lash out, and generally be less compassionate with their communication. If you both are stressed out, the chances of an argument occurring are much higher.

Taking time to check in with each other once a day or throughout the day can help both of you determine when to give each other some space, and when it is safe to delve into more difficult topics in your relationship. Try using a simple 1 - 10 scale with your partner to describe your stress. A “1” is complete calm and a “10” is having a panic attack. Assess where you are at on this scale, and simply and clearly communicate it to your partner. For example; “I am at a 8 right now, I don’t really have space to talk”, or “I’m at a 2, I’m open and ready to be there for you right now”. This can help you two maintain connection and strategically navigate stressful times without ending up in an argument.

Reflection and mirroring

If you do end up in a heated exchange or a difficult conversation, try reflecting or mirroring what your partner is saying back to them. Often, in moments where communication feels strained, what your partner is really wanting is to know that you are hearing them. Try a simple reflective statement with the following formula;

“What I hear you saying is____(reflection)_____, did I get that right?”

For example:
“What I hear you saying is that you're upset with me because I didn’t clean up after myself, is that right?”

“I hear that you are feeling sad about not being able to visit your friends today, am I getting that right?”

Reflective statements like this may seem silly or too simple, but they can be very helpful in communicating to your partner that you hear what they are saying. Hearing and understanding each other is the first step to healthy communication and will help you two avoid getting stuck in arguments.

“I” statements

In communication, “I” statements can be a powerful way to take ownership of what you’re feeling and avoid blaming your partner for something. “I” statement can be an excellent way to avoid arguments and disagreements.

How it works is you want to take whatever you are feeling and translate it into a statement about yourself. It sounds simple but can be difficult to do when you are feeling frustrated or angry with your partner. Here’s how I might translate accusatory statements into “I” statements:

“You” statement
“You are so annoying”

“You never do the dishes”

“This is all your fault”

“I” statement
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and I need space”

“I get anxious when there are dirty dishes in the sink”

“I feel frustrated at you right now”

This switch can help you communicate your feelings without triggering your partner's defensiveness. Think about how it might feel to receive the “You” statements listed above. You might get frustrated, defensive, angry, and you might start arguing. Now think about how it might feel to hear the “I” statements. They are much easier to receive without your defenses coming out strongly.

“I” statements are a big part of Nonviolent Communication, which I delve more into in this blog post which you can read here.

Timeouts and safewords

If all else fails and you end up in an argument with your partner that you’d like to stop, try implementing timeouts and safewords to help you two deescalate and end arguments before they get out of hand. It can be helpful if you discuss a safeword in advance with your partner when you are not activated. You can both agree that if argument starts to devolve into an unhelpful place that you’d rather not get stuck in, that you can say a safeword of your choice, maybe “banana”.

When you or your partner says “banana” it is a reminder that you need to pause your argument, take some space, and then come back to the topic at hand when you are more regulated and calm. Try taking a 15 or 30 minute timeout when one of you says the safeword, and agree to come back together to talk after that time is up. This allows each of you to calm down, regulator yourselves, and try to communicate in a more productive way.

Arguments can be healthy at times, but sometimes they get out of hand or start happening too often for your comfort. Especially now when stress levels are high, be sure to resource your relationship with the strategies and tools you need to keep you two connected and collaborative. Try these strategies today with your partner and see how they feel.

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If you are needing additional support in your relationship, or you’d like to delve deeper into these topics, you can reach out to me for couples therapy in Santa Cruz. I help couples work on their communication and intimacy in a compassionate and strategic approach. You can reach out to me here to schedule a free and confidential 20 minute phone consultation to see if I could be a good fit to help you.