Talking about difficult things does not come naturally to most people. In most instances in life, you are wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure. When aspects of our lives, emotions, and psychology become shrouded in pain, it is tempting and natural to want to avoid the pain associated with talking about these things. For many people, avoiding talking about or even thinking about aspects of their lives that are the source of pain is a strategy they turn to often. While avoiding pain can feel like a tempting strategy to get through life, most people find that eventually what you don’t face finds a way of expressing itself in other ways. Further, many people find the burden of avoiding difficult topics in their lives takes a hidden toll on their mental health.

Most people find that when they actually do face the difficult aspects of their lives and emotions and find a way to sit with the difficulty rather than avoiding it, they experience much more peace and relief as a result. Many studies show that people who open up in talk therapy see benefits in their life. For example, The American Psychiatric Association states that about 75% - or 3 in 4 people - who try talk therapy notice its benefits. (1) While it might seem counterintuitive, by facing and talking about the painful parts of life, you can find a new way to be with them. Once you are able to face all of life, the good parts, and the bad, you can live in much more presence and intimacy with your lived experience. Many people find this to be a more freeing way to live their lives.

1. What you resist persists

When you push away negative emotions or memories, it only strengthens their power over you. Think about the image of trying to push a buoy down to the bottom of a pool. It will require great effort, and eventually it will come out anyway. When you spend energy suppressing parts of yourself, you spend energy that could otherwise go to productive parts of your life like improving your health, delving into your relationships, or just living life. I often find that when my clients are suppressing parts of themselves, or avoiding talking about difficult emotions, they are often exhausted by the effort it takes to suppress and repress.

Once you finally stop resisting and let yourself face and confront negativity in a safe and supportive environment, all of that effort you were spending pushing negativity out of your awareness can release and you can put it towards more useful and productive things in your life. When freed from the pressure to avoid difficult emotions, many people find they have more space, freedom, and peace in their lives.

2. Repressing your negative emotions makes it hard to feel positive emotions too

The other issue with repression is that often people find it is impossible to only push away the negative parts of themselves, and they end up pushing away all of themselves by mistake. When you avoid negative emotions or push away negative memories, you often dull our entire experience on the whole. Repression is a very primitive defense mechanism, it is hard to fin tune what and when you repress. Often repressing one emotion means repressing the whole spectrum of emotions. This leads to feeling of numbness, dullness, or deadness in your emotions and life.

By embracing all of life, including all of its pains and sorrows, you can live more fully in the moment, and in your body, and life can feel much more fulfilling and engaging. Many people find that when they find a way to stop repressing themselves, or trying to “get rid” of parts of themselves that they don't like, they can experience more intimacy and presence with their positive emotions and experiences as well.

3. Talking about difficult emotions gets easier over time

Going to therapy can be a difficult experience for some people, especially in the beginning. When you start to get in touch with the walled off parts of ourselves, you start to thaw out the numbed parts of our emotions and can be met by uncomfortable feelings and sensations that you don’t know what to do with. Over time though, you can learn to be more comfortable with all of your experience, including the negative aspects of it. As you get in the practice of facing life fully with all of its ups and downs, it gets easier and easier to do. Eventually, you can get to the point where difficult emotions are just a part of life and they won’t hold so much power over you.

No one wants to talk about difficult things just like no one wants to floss their teeth every day. But you do it anyway. Not because you like flossing our teeth, but because you know you have to take care of yourself. Getting in the habit of talking about the hard things in your own life in the context of therapy will help you address the difficult things in your relationships, in your friendships, and in your family. Eventually you will get in the habit of just facing pain as it emerges, and you won’t be stuck repressing and suppressing everything.

4. You don’t have to face these things alone.

Many people start repressing negative emotions because they feel all alone with their experience and it all feels too overwhelming. However, no one is meant to do this work alone. Talking about painful emotions is not pleasant. If you can talk about your pain with someone who you feel safe with, who you feel is knowledgeable about the process of psychological growth, and who you trust to be vulnerable and open with, then the process can be much less painful. A good therapist can hold space for the natural process of your growth and development, and can support you in your process by helping you feel less alone and offering  insight, direction, and understanding to help you along your way.

Reach out if you’d like to talk

I’m Connor Moss with Pacific Psychotherapy, I offer depth oriented therapy in Los Gatos, Santa Cruz, and online in California. I specialize in depth psychotherapy, couples therapy, therapy for depression, therapy for anxiety, addiction therapy, and trauma therapy. Reach out to schedule a free phone consultation if you’d like to talk about the possibility of us working together.