"Its not about the dishes" - How to resolve disagreements
If you are struggling to resolve disagreements in your relationship then you might be wondering how to come to more connection and communication with your partner. If you look past the surface issue to take a look at what is really going on, you stand a better chance to resolve disagreement and come to resolution.
[Transcription]
0:00:00.0: Hi everyone, Connor Moss here, with Warm Heart Counseling. And I wanted to talk today a little bit about communication and disagreements, if you're in a relationship where you find yourself getting stuck in conflict or disagreement with your partner, then this video is for you. The title of this video is, it's not about the dishes, and I titled it that because this is a phrase I often use when I'm working with couples to describe why you shouldn't get stuck arguing about the dishes or arguing about whatever disagreement you might have at hand, and how to get underneath that to talk about what's really going on.
0:00:52.4: So why do I say it's not about the dishes? It's not about the dishes, refers to a common argument that I see many couples get stuck in, and this is about household chores, maybe this is familiar to you, where one partner will say, "I always do the dishes, I need you to do the dishes," and the other partner might say "No, I always do the dishes, I did them last time." And what happens from there? And If you've ever been there, you know that you'll get stuck in this back and forth of arguing over who did the dishes last.
0:01:28.9: And generally, that doesn't get very productive, it often spirals out of control from there into a full-blown argument, and it never really gets to the heart of what's going on. And I mean it never really resolves the real conflict that's happening in that moment.
0:01:49.5: So when I say it's not about the dishes, I mean, let's forget about the topic at hand or the content of what we're saying right now, let's forget about the dishes and let's try to explore what's really going on? Because in my experience, oftentimes it's not about the dishes, there's usually something deeper going on, some miscommunication that's happening, or some need that's not being met, that's being expressed through this scapegoat of talking about the dishes. So if you can get underneath that story and talk about what's really going on, you stand a much better chance of navigating through disagreements and finding your way to resolution.
0:02:41.9: So when we talk about getting underneath the content, it's important to talk a little bit about what I mean by the difference between content or/and process, or the objective facts and the subjective experience. Another way to put this is, the topic of the argument versus the emotional content that's underneath. However, you wanna look at this, the content is what's external, it's what's the argument is actually about, who did the dishes? Who took out the trash? Who's gonna take the kids to school the next day? Whatever it is. Who didn't communicate well? Whatever that is.
0:03:33.1: So these arguments about the external stuff, about the stuff out in the world that you're arguing about is just... It's frustrating, you wanna get to the bottom of it, you want your partner to do the dishes, and it can get tempting to think that if you just get to the bottom of this external thing, then there will be resolution. But I find that's rarely, rarely the case. So more often, we need to look to the process or the internal experience to figure out what's really going on, so if the content is who's doing the dishes, the process or the emotional content, of course, it'll vary depending on who I'm talking to, but generally it has something to do with, I'm not feeling heard, something to do with, I'm feeling overwhelmed, there's a lot of house work, I need some support, something to do with, I'm not feeling like you're very present right now, and I need to feel like I'm not the only one taking care of the house, it has something to do with, I'm feeling alone and overwhelmed and I need your support.
0:04:47.5: And if you think about it, if that emotional content is really well taken care of in the relationship, then the external stuff, the dishes isn't going to be as big of a deal, if you and your partner are on really good terms, you feel connected, your communication is great. Then if the dishes don't get done, it's gonna be easy to say, Hey, would you please do the dishes, they'll get done and it'll be no problem, where there's a sticking point is where one partner doesn't feel heard, doesn't feel connected, doesn't feel their emotional needs are getting met, so if you're feeling yourself getting stuck in these disagreements, in these bickering matches, in these arguments, chances are, you need to drop the content, drop the external stuff, slow down and figure out what's going on inside, and if you can attend to the internal or the emotional component that's happening, you stand a much better chance of resolving the conflict and coming to agreement with your partner.
0:05:54.5: So what we're also talking about here is, talking about the depth exploration, so if you just look at the surface, you're gonna miss a lot. Like I just broke down with that example, there's always things going on underneath the surface that are causing us to feel and say the things that we feel and say. So while it might express itself as I'm frustrated at you for not doing the dishes, I often find that underneath that, there is other emotional needs that aren't getting met. So in addition to talking about moving from content to process, we can about moving from the surface to the depths, and getting comfortable with the idea that not everything is gonna be solvable by just moving around the external pieces, not everything is as simple as looking at the surface layer, trying to solve it like a puzzle and moving on, that often, if you're getting stuck in chronic disagreements, or if this is something you're stuck in consistently with your partner, that it's probably a good idea to look underneath, maybe with the help of a therapist to try to understand why am I feeling the way I'm feeling?
0:07:22.0: So for example, one partner could feel chronically unheard or misattuned to, they could feel like their partner is very distant, they could have a complex around people not paying attention to them or giving them enough attention and time and care in their lives, that could manifest as them feeling very frustrated with their partner, for not paying attention to them, for not caring for them, and then on the surface, that may express itself as the scapegoat of, you didn't do the dishes, but what might be really going on is, you don't see me, you don't care about me, you don't care about me enough to know that I need help right now, you never care about me, you never listen to me, you don't love me. And I know it's a bit extreme for me to go to that lengths, but there's often some sort of chain of connection from the external surface complaint to getting to the core and getting to the depths of what's really going on.
0:08:34.8: And if you start to look inwards and start to explore why do I feel the way I feel and what is going on underneath? I find that it's much easier to resolve these conflicts. Now, I take that back a little bit. I don't wanna say it's easier because it is definitely difficult to look at these things, it's difficult to look under the rug and see what might be going on that we don't wanna look at, but I will say that it's more satisfying and it's more effective in the long run, because if you change the problem and at its root or you address the problem and at its root, then it doesn't express itself as consistently in these surface complaints.
0:09:17.6: So by really taking the time with your partner, maybe with a therapist, to dig deep and understand what's going on underneath the surface here, why are we getting stuck here, you stand a better chance of resolving once and for all, whatever that conflict might be. So in these conflicts, I also find that it all comes back to communication, that if it's not about the dishes, then what is it really about? It's often always about communication, so looking at your communication and figuring out how are we talking to each other, not just how are we talking to each other, what words are we saying, but how are we communicating, how are we interacting.
0:10:04.7: Are we using non-violent language when we speak to each other. Are we connecting often about how our days were going, so we feel connected, is there a good flow of connection and of energy back and forth between you and your partner, if those things are compromised in any way, if there's distance, if there's resentment, if there's anger, if there's a pattern of shut down then all sorts of other problems can start to arise in your relationship, so when you look under the surface, you move away from the content into the process and you look into the depths, very often what you might find underneath there is some sort of breakdown in communication.
0:10:55.6: And this is why it's so essential to go deep, because addressing that problem and at its root, finding new ways to communicate, finding new ways to connect and really healing your communication patterns with your partner is going to be a much more sustainable and long-term solution to whatever you're bickering about, than just figuring out who's at fault for the dishes, so this is why I really emphasize communication, non-violent communication in your connection, and I really recommend looking underneath to figure out what's wrong with the communication that might be causing bickering to happen. The last note I'll leave you on is another kind of tool I... Image I use with my couples to help them visualize this communication and connection that I think is so important, is you wanna imagine that you and your partner are on the same team, and you're both together tackling this problem of disconnection.
0:12:04.0: You're both on the same team as detectives, getting really curious about why are we getting stuck in this spot and what's going wrong, and if you can maintain that connection in that part, even if things aren't going so well, even if there's a breakdown in communication, as long as you can remain on the same team and remain curious about what's breaking down, then you stand a lot better chance of navigating through these rough spots.
0:12:33.1: So if you think about it like a fight starts to break out, or you start to get stuck in old bickering patterns, slow down and remind each other, "Hey, we're on the same team here. Something's coming up, I'm not exactly sure what it is. And there's frustration. Let's get really curious. Let's just stay compassionate and get really curious about what's going on here."
0:12:56.4: So staying on the same team as you tackle these problems is gonna help you stay connected, it's gonna help your communication, and it's gonna help each of you not feel so attacked or put on the defensive. So these are some of the ways that I think about navigating through bickering, getting out of the story, getting out of the content and digging into the emotional content, looking past the surface layer and getting curious about what's happening underneath the surface.
0:13:29.8: Really focusing in on your communication and really putting effort and energy and attention into your communication as the bedrock on which a healthy relationship can form, and reminding yourselves that you're both on the same team no matter what, even if there's an argument, you're both on the same team trying to figure out what's going wrong with your connection.
0:13:53.3: Now, I know it's a lot easier to say these tips than implement them, but I do find that these are some cues that are helpful sometimes to help folks redirect towards a productive and collaborative approach. I know it can be really frustrating if you're in a relationship where bickering keeps happening, and I really encourage you to try new things, try new tools, reach out to a couples therapist if you're feeling stuck, because not everyone can do this alone, it's not easy. And you really deserve to have a relationship that feels caring, connected and supported, and it's really possible. It just takes some hard work, some empathy, a lot of humility and willingness to get messy and dig into what is going wrong with your connection and your communication.
0:14:48.6: So those are a couple of tips I have on how to get through rough spots, how to get through disagreements, and remember that it's never about the dishes, and to dig into the, What's really going on, to help you form a better connection with your partner. So I hope you found this helpful. If you're struggling with any of these types of things or you have any questions and wanna connect, feel free to reach out, I'd be happy to talk. So that's it for today. Take care you all, and I'll see you all next time.
—
If you are needing support, feel free to reach out. Connor Moss with Pacific Psychotherapy offers trauma therapy, couples therapy and drug and alcohol counseling in Santa Cruz, and online anywhere in California. Reach out today with any questions or to schedule a free and confidential phone consultation.